Day 0

I’m nervous.

Of course, there are all of the practical reasons to be nervous. What if something goes wrong with this surgery, or, like anything in life, something catastrophic happens? I feel equally nervous if something detrimental were to happen, and I have cognitive impairments.

In both scenarios, my son will experience a significant loss and trauma. Even if young, losing a parent is something nearly impossible to fully recover from. Also, having a parent who is physically or mentally incapable creates a lifetime of stress.

I feel like these fears are reasonable and hopefully unlikely to come to fruition.

There is also a part of me that wonders how much this lesion and its bleeding has shaped my perspective and personality.

In some ways, I wonder if it has assisted me in how I manage personal and medical trauma. I can disassociate completely when having tremendous stress. In some ways, it has been somewhat of a superpower.

I’ve been thinking: if I’ve had 20 years of small seizures, do I have permanent damage? Will the neuroplasticity create new paths and opportunities to become a better version of myself?

Often I feel like I have no idea how I’m feeling. There are obvious feelings like stress, anxiety, and joy. However, complex emotions feel very distant. Sometimes, I wonder if this makes it difficult to connect with people. I also wonder if this has made it challenging to fully emote and show love to my husband or even mirror emotions to my toddler.

Since it’s been so long, is this who I am and who I always will be? Or will this surgery change who I am?

In reference to it being in my right temporal lobe, I am curious if it has also impacted the way I relate to art.

Since I was very young, I’ve loved to paint and draw. I don’t think I’ve ever had natural talent, but I’ve always had ambition and motivation to create. I’ve been struggling with this for years; I think naturally this is related to a lack of time and increased responsibility.

I’ve always been interested in drawing portraits. I love the challenge of it. I love how good it feels when you capture the nature of someone. I’m not always initially accurate, but the process is arduous, and I can eventually get where I’m wanting to go. Sometimes I feel like this connection is something spiritual, like feeling closer to God or a higher power, and I tap into something beyond myself. I haven’t been there for a long time, and it hasn’t felt possible.

Has this been a barrier? Or maybe the time I have for recovery will give me space to try and access that again. I hope it is the case either way.